If you're here, you're either wondering what the hell a Whipple is, or you've had it yourself (or known someone who has!). I had the Whipple in 2016 for a large SPEN tumor (AKA Frantz tumor) in my pancreas and couldn't find a lot of resources for young people undergoing the operation. I wanted to add this Whipple portion to my blog to fill with little lessons and advice I've learned throughout my Whipple recovery in case it helps even one person who comes across it!
I've put off writing this post about my Whipple surgery for a while now because I know it means reliving some harrowing experiences, and I also know it's going to take a long time to write, and that time could be spent sleeping. But, I know I NEED to write this because I can use all the catharsis I can get.
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Fast Facts About Me:
Age: 32 Location: Calgary, Canada
Occupation: Stay-at-home dog mom to Dexter and June. World's proudest aunt to baby Ava. Writer and content creator to pay the billz, B.A. English literature, #whipplewarrior, carb-enthusiast, and proud member of the most supportive girl squad ever.
A little more about me: In 2016, I underwent the life-changing Whipple surgery to remove a massive tumor on my pancreas. This has changed the course of my life, including how I eat! XO&So actually started out primarily as a beauty blog, and while I’ll always love that world, my heart lies in cooking and baking.
My recipes don’t tend to include an overload of vegetables - simply because I can’t digest them easily since surgery! Safe foods for me include pasta, cheese, bread, and other delicious things like that, so a lot of my recipes center around those items.
I’m a strong believe that vegetarian food doesn’t have to equal vegetable overload!
Don’t get me wrong, vegetables are great and serve a wonderful purpose, but just because a dish doesn’t have meat in it, doesn’t mean we have to add every vegetable on the planet to it, ya know?
With that in mind, I create vegetarian comfort foods to please any palette and make you wonder why we need meat in the first place! You’ll still see veggies used in lots of my dishes, but I try to make recipes that are easy to change up according to what you feel like that day.
Want to throw an extra handful of veggies into a pasta dish? Go for it! Want straight up bread and cheese? You can do that too!
PS. I divide my time between XO&So and my SEO copywriting business!
Tomato cheddar soup just screams comfort food! Serve it with fresh dill, crackers, or on its own and you'll fall in love with this rich, creamy soup before you know it.
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I've been self-employed and working from home since 2014 (how has it been four years already since I finished university?!). Mostly out of the sheer will of avoiding an office job because that is my nightmare. I know, I know, there are other jobs in between working from home and working in an office. But working from home has always felt right for me. Especially since getting sick in 2016, I couldn't imagine doing anything else!
As much as I love working from home (I'm a freelance website copywriter), it also comes with several challenges. But so does any job!
I recently posted on Instagram about planning to write this post and asked people to send me their questions, and I got a few about what's tough about working from home, so I'll definitely talk more about that.
Here are some frequently asked questions about working from home:
More like, do I ever NOT work in my pajamas? "They" say you're supposed to get dressed like you're going to work every day, but that just means more laundry so working in my pajamas basically means I'm helping the environment...riiight? But yeah, most days I stay in my pajamas until I work out, and after I work out I work in my workout clothes! And the cycle repeats...
This is kinda tough to answer because it varies so much. But, I never work typical 9-5 hours. I do work for several hours a day, but I usually start later in the day (around noon), but I take breaks to cook or workout or whatever and often don't finish until 11 at night. I really love the freedom of getting to work whenever I want!
It pains me to answer this because I so badly want to say yes. But NO! I actually HAVE a home office with a beautiful desk and all sorts of cute stationery from Indigo I spent a bunch of money on and never use, but I never sit at my desk! I hate the feeling of sitting in a chair for a long time (always have!). So, most days I work sitting sideways on my couch with the dogs under my knees. If I'm feeling crazy, I'll sit at the kitchen table or work from my bed for a bit. But yeah, most days, couch city.
One of the greatest advantages of being employed by a company and working a more "regular" job is the benefits that come with it. I do not have insurance, so I pay out of pocket for prescriptions and dental and eye care, etc. But the amazing thing about living in Canada is I was able to have a surgery that would have cost about $130,000 USD in the United States be entirely covered without insurance! Pretty incredible. There are definitely times I wish I had coverage because dental care is insanely expensive, so I plan on getting some soon and just paying for it myself.
Not really, no! But that will depend on your personality. I enjoy being alone, AND I enjoy being with friends. There have been a few times where I'm like, "Wow, I haven't seen another human in person for three days...perhaps I should go outside!" But generally, seeing people in my free time fills my cup up enough that I don't feel lonely when I'm working. I also don't think being alone equals being lonely, so it really will just depend on your personality type. I think if you want to work from home but you are the type to get really lonely when you're alone, you'll have to plan your weeks well to make sure you're seeing other people or doing whatever you need to do to feel balanced.
Truthfully, there are lots of days when I'm NOT motivated. But when you're self-employed you rely entirely on yourself to make dat money, so as much as I want to just "take a day" or not work, I can't if I want to get paid, so that kinda forces you to be motivated, if that makes sense? I also find being really organized helps and clearly tracking my tasks and goals also helps. It feels really good to cross things off, and I think that encourages you to do more. Setting a timer is also a beneficial tool. If you're reeeeeally dragging your feet one day, set a timer for 30 minutes and promise yourself you'll work hard for that time. By the end of it, you usually want to keep going!
It's hard to pick just one best thing. But at the top of the list would definitely be getting to be with my dogs all day. I love having them there with me. I always hate leaving them at home when I go out so being around all day is fantastic. AND I love that I can make my own hours. This has been absolutely essential for me since being sick. Not every work from home job gives you this flexibility, but since I'm self-employed, I have a lot more freedom. It's also preeeeetty awesome in the winter when your car is buried under three feet of snow and you can just stay inside all day!
The worst part for me, and this is not the same for everyone who works from home, is not having the benefits and job security you get from working for a big company. This has more to do with being self-employed than actually working from home though!
One thing that's been frustrating for me is that some people assume I'm free whenever since I'm self-employed. Like, they'll be like let's hang out on Tuesday afternoon! Whereas you wouldn't ask someone who works a 9-5 office job to do that because you respect their work hours. It doesn't make me mad, because I understand why people would ask. But I do just wish people understood that a bit better. To be fair, often times I CAN hang out on Tuesday afternoon if I plan my week right. But I'm not just free to do anything anytime because I'm self-employed, you know?
Phewf, that was a long one!
Until next time!
xo - C
After an absolutely incredible trip to London and some of the best meals of my life, I couldn't wait for this post. Today, I'm sharing with you my favorite vegetarian meals I had in London!
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Since my surgery, working out hasn't been a priority, because I've been more focused on basic bodily functions like trying to make what's left of my pancreas work. But, I'm going to London in just over a month, and I want to have the stamina and energy to do lots of walking. I also want to build muscle mass, because I've never been muscular to begin with, but after my surgery, I lost any muscle I've ever had. I'm not looking to lose weight, but I truly just want to be stronger and not want to collapse at the top of the stairs each time I make it up, ya know?...
I have been dreading this day because it marks one year since my life-changing, life-saving Whipple surgery. So many people who have this surgery don’t make it to a year later, and I understand how lucky I am to be alive and that I will get to live a long, healthy life, get married, have kids, and live my dreams. What I dreaded about today was the fact so often I’ve been told that how you feel a year after Whipple surgery will likely be your “new normal.” I have difficulty accepting how I feel now to be my new normal.
The cast of RENT measures a year in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, and cups of coffee, in inches, in miles, in laughter, and strife.
The cast of CHELSEA would typically measure a year in the same way, but this year, as they say, has been different.
I'd measure November 15, 2016 to November 15, 2017 in hugs, hospital visits, stitches, staples, pain, nausea, macaroni and cheese (by the grace of Beyonce it's one of the few foods I tolerate relatively well), tears, pajama days, naps, self-loathing, self-loving, and a lot of love and gratitude.
It has been and continues to be the hardest time in my life.
People, including myself, often like things to fit into neat, little boxes. We hope things have a beginning and an end date. We expect everyone will get better and be back to normal. It makes us more comfortable to hear someone is making progress than stuck in stagnation when we ask how they're doing.
Progress pleases the soul and makes us feel like we’re going somewhere in life, and without progress, we tend to feel like we’re wasting our lives. I haven’t made many improvements in my health the last several months, and this lack of progress weighs on me.
(PLEASE READ UNTIL THE END AND I SWEAR YOU'LL SEE I’M NOT A NEGATIVE NANCY!)
My quality of life isn’t bad, it will just take some adjusting to, and I’m still very hopeful I will improve, get stronger, and continue to adjust.
These things take adjusting to: There are days I’m too tired to walk or stand for long. The day after a significant outing I feel like I hiked for eight hours the day before; it takes a massive toll on my body. I can’t absorb nutrients properly, digest most fruits and vegetables, or absorb fat from food I eat so I’ve lost any muscle I had which leads to being weak. I get dizzy and nauseous when I stand for a while. I get bouts of nausea so extreme I am literally paralyzed by them.
People tell me I look better than ever and that it seems like I am doing great and having fun, judging by my social media posts. But remember, we don’t post the lowlights, we post the highlights. Even as I write this, I’m conscious of coming across as too dark or too cynical, but more than anything I am trying to focus on being honest. A lot of us are going through tough times and hold back from sharing them with others because we fear it will alienate people or make them pity us, but truthfully, I think these painful experiences are what can unite us and bring us closer to one another.
As difficult as this year has been, it's also been filled with a lot of experiences that were impossible to imagine when I was on what I considered to be my death bed this time last year.
This past year I’ve gone to concerts, I’ve laughed harder than I ever have in my life, I’ve gone horseback riding, swimming, and boating. I’ve danced, I’ve attended weddings, I’ve read great books and watched great movies, and I’ve had more warm hugs than I can count!
I have so many people who love me unconditionally (and vice versa!) and remind me of this every day. I have countless people I can call for help should I need it, I always have plenty of food to eat, a warm bed to sleep in, pups to cuddle me, and a roof over my head in a home I love, and the best, best, best mom, dad, brother, and friends a girl could ask for.
There is still SO much more good than bad in my life, and I regularly remind myself of this. Gratitude has been a common theme in any of my posts about my surgery and recovery, and it will continue to be.
Here's why:
If you ask me, the choice is obvious.
Thank-you so much for reading and for your continued support.
xo - C
Hope you like cheese cuz this is one cheeeeeezy article, my loves!
For the most part, I'm a self-confident person. I think part of that comes from how I was raised, and a lot of that is just in my nature (wait, nature vs. nurture?!) But my goodness, I've had, and continue to have, moments where I talk about myself as if I were shit on a shoe. The kind of words you wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else, but somehow they flow so smoothly when you're speaking to yourself. Sometimes I talk about my body as if it were an acquaintance I can't stand. I pick out its perceived flaws - you know, cellulite, a butt flatter than the Canadian prairies, yadda yadda yadda) and complain about them until the cows come home.
It can be hard to appreciate what your body does every day until its functioning is put to the test.
Keeping us alive is no easy task - just ask my liver from when I turned 18!
But when any part of your body is compromised, you gain a new perspective on all that's going on behind the scenes with your bod and what it does for you every day - what YOU do for YOU every day, without even knowing it. I used to take a normal, healthy body that could get up every day and function at whatever capacity I needed it to for granted.
And then I got sick.
The best way I can describe my health since my Whipple surgery (you can read about that here) is that I live most days as if I have a bad stomach flu. It's been almost 8 months since my surgery and for some or all of just about every day since my surgery I experience extreme fatigue (think "can't go up the stairs without help" kind of fatigue), being nauseous/sick to my stomach throughout the day and night (doing any kind of activity, including standing, for more than a few minutes usually brings on extreme nausea), occasional bouts of pancreatitis, and just general feeling-crappy-ness.
I know I'm painting a not-so-pretty picture here and the truth is, it isn't pretty most of the time, and it's certainly not the life I imagined for myself, especially at this age.
BUT - I still have "moments." A lot of them. I've been able to go to concerts, on walks with friends and the dogs, to movies, to bars (without the drinking, rather unfortunately), to celebrate birthdays and holidays with my friends and family, and generally still have a fun and happy life.
From the outside, my life looks pretty normal, good, and happy. And now, from the inside, I'm seeing it that way too.
Having one of those "Moments" recently; celebrating with some of my best friends
Me, as in my body and my mind, have been through hell. I've had organs removed that drastically change the way my body functions. My abdomen and the organs that inhabit it were basically taken apart and put back together, but with some pieces missing.
OF COURSE that's going to be difficult.
But even after all of that, my body continues to WORK.
It still tells me when I'm hungry, when I'm tired (okay - a lot more often now than it used to be); it carries me, literally, through every day and has never "given up," when I'm sure with what it's gone through, a body would want to!
But no, my heart keeps on ticking and my brain and lungs and other remaining organs work for me to the very best of their ability. That is LUCKY! I don't care what anyone says - to be alive at all is lucky. It's a gift.
It's so easy to be harsh about our own bodies and to pick on any little detail you think isn't perfect (the reason we think we're imperfect is because we constantly compare ourselves to models, or whoever society tries to tell us is perfect).
We pick out these little details that make us, US - and agonize over them instead of looking in the mirror and yelling, "DAMN GIRL!!!!! Looking GOOD!" I mean, random guys in cars can drive past us and point out how hot we are, but we can't do it for ourselves?!
I've always loved this quote and i think it's v. relevant to this post
I'm working really hard on loving myself and my body exactly how it is now. My scar, flat butt, cellulite, all of it.
Your love for yourself, for your body, should be UNCONDITIONAL.
mr. scar that i'm working on learning to love.
Our skin is a shell that holds all our juicy and bony bits in. What did your skin ever do to deserve you cursing at it or wanting it to be different?
Your body is inherently awesome; I know that without ever meeting you or seeing your body. Its very existence is a miracle, and this vessel that carries our souls through the world is worthy of celebration - not criticism.
It may have taken a life-altering event for me to fully realize all of this (I'm still in the process of realizing it, actually), but it doesn't have to for you.
THANK your body each day for doing what it does and let that gratitude sink into you like butter on toast.
You're so, so, so good how you are and you're already worthy of all the love in the world.
I know, I know, this essay is reading like a Hallmark card, but I really want someone who needs to read this to come across it and feel better about themselves and cultivate gratitude for their amazing body. I need the reminder, too. If you're already on that path, that's fucking awesome. Keep going. But a lot of us are still trying to get there.
Life is so much more fun that way!
I'd like to open this conversation up and hear what loving yourself really means to you, because I know it can be different for everyone. Please comment below if you're so inclined.
XO - C
I put together this list of my favourite healing/recovery songs along with the lyrics that make them so special in case they're useful for anyone else!
Music, and especially lyrics, have always held a special place in my heart for their power to make you feel like you're not alone in the world. Sometimes songs put into words exactly how you're feeling but never knew how to say. And I think that is an incredibly special and useful tool in life.
Since recovering from Whipple surgery, music has been especially valuable to me and has calmed me down or gotten me to sleep during especially hard times. Specifically, these songs about healing. (Or at least they're about healing to me!)
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
'Cause everybody knows but nobody really knows,
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt.
I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'till it's done
Faith!
Right beside you is where I'll stay
It's not too late
Just take me as I am, so please, have faith, in me
Doesn't take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
When you hear the music ringin' in your soul
And you feel it in your heart and it grows and grows
And it comes from the backstreet rock & roll and the healing has begun
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
We will recover
The worst is over, now.
All those fires we've been walking through,
And still we survive, somehow.
We will recover
The worst is behind
And it hurts, but in time, I know that we will recover.
I'm gonna win
I'm gonna win
I tell you, see when it comes down to the crunch
I've gotta beat life to the punch
I'm gonna win
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Something good comes with the bad
A song's never just sad
There's hope, there's a silver lining
Show me my silver lining
By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from this war
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just follow the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
And I want to keep us all alive
And I want to see you with my eyes
But I see you in the fireflies
And how extraordinary is that
Light me up again
Light me up again
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Whoa breathe, just breathe
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Oh, let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
That's it for now! Please let me know your favourite songs about healing or recovery so I can add them to my list!
xo - C
Since I graduated university in 2014, I've worked for myself from home. And if you're wondering, YES, it's awesome, and YES, I absolutely wear pyjamas most of the time!* That being said, there are certain challenges that arise when you work from home - but I still wouldn't trade it for the world!
*all of the time.
When you are self-employed and working from home, you're your own boss. This is AWESOME, but it also makes you accountable only to yourself, and the tough thing about that is you don't face the same repercussions for not doing your best work, showing up on time, or reaching deadlines. Of course, these difficulties are a double-edged sword because on one hand, only having yourself to answer to is one of the greatest benefits to working for yourself, but it's also one of the biggest challenges.
When you don't face the same consequences for not doing your best work as you would if you were employed by someone else, it can be hard to stay motivated and meet deadlines and accomplish your goals. The consequences may not be as immediate as they are when you're being supervised by someone else, but they can be just as extreme. If you're not as efficient as you should be, you're not maximizing your income potential and making your lady boss dreams come true as quickly as you could!
Being self-employed has been a major learning experience for me and today I want to share the things I've found have helped me stay motivated and accountable along the way!
When your home is your office, and you're in your home every day, you sometimes feel like you're always at the office. And when you're at the office, you feel like you should be working.
On Saturday mornings, when most people would be taking time off from work, I often find myself browsing something on my computer when I'm suddenly overcome with a feeling of, "Why am I not working right now?" As in, just because I'm at "the office" I should be working. But this mentality hasn't served me well in the past.
I find doing little bits every day isn't as effective as releasing myself from the guilt or pressure of constantly working, and instead, planning days my days more strategically is much more effective. I'm spending the whole day working today because I took the weekend off, and I have the rest of my week planned out in a similar way so I can take this weekend off too! If I spend all day telling myself I should be working, rather than enjoying my time off, I'm less motivated to get back to it as I would be if I approached it refreshed and recharged from time off.
Give yourself guilt-free days when working isn't your priority, and plan out the days you WILL devote to working. This will make your schedule feel more balanced and much more structured. Ultimately, five hours of super-concentrated work serves me much better than ten hours of half-assed, semi-motivated work that I am doing out of guilt.
This is a big one! When people know you work from home, they often assume your schedule is as flexible as if you had the day off. People seem to think, "If she's her own boss, she can postpone her work until later, so why can't she go for lunch with me today?" The problem with this is "later" becomes later, and later, and later.
You will likely need to explain to people (quite regularly) that just because you work from home, you still have a schedule to follow and your time is just as valuable as someone who works in an office environment.
Set boundaries with friends and family about your schedule. This might even mean telling them that from Monday to Friday between 9-5 (or whatever works for you) you're unavailable for making plans. If you don't respect your own time, how will anyone else?
I'll be the first to admit, I spend a lot of time (especially since my surgery) laying on my couch, laptop on my stomach, working, while the TV plays in the background. Not exactly the most traditional work environment and it also encourages me to be lazy and distracted.
If you don't work in an environment conducive to productivity and creativity, you're shooting yourself in the foot and wasting your own time.
Set up a space that makes you feel creative, happy, and peaceful. I have a home office, but I rarely work in it because I don't find the surroundings particularly comfortable or inspiring. Instead, I like to set up at my kitchen table and surround myself with things I like and work in the natural sunlight that comes through the kitchen windows.
Setting up here motivates me and inspires my creativity a lot more than laying on the couch does - big surprise, huh?
Just because you don't have a "boss" other than yourself, doesn't mean you can't be accountable. Write down your goals for each day or week of work you do (whatever works best for you) and document when you achieve them. Checking things off a list, as simple as it is, feels GOOD and it's motivating to do more and more.
On any given work day I like to write out all the tasks I need to get done that day. Maybe my goal is to schedule five days worth of content for my social media clients, write two blog posts for clients, and one for myself. Checking these off is really satisfying and seeing your goals laid out makes them feel more achievable as having 100 hundred ideas of things you need to get done running through your head.
Most of the time the reward I enjoy for completing my tasks is a guilt-free evening off and the mental satisfaction of knowing I've done what I set out to do.
That's it for me today! I'm off to check off other things from my to-do list for the day... including watching Dr. Phil, obviously.
Thanks for reading and please let me know how YOU stay motivated working from home!
- xo, C
