Women’s magazines get a lot of flack for the advice they offer us about men.
Remember when our beloved Cosmo told us that if he starts grooming himself he’s cheating? (Or, you know, maybe just a properly functioning adult?) Another personal favorite involved “shaking his balls like Yahtzee dice.”
Men’s magazines are just as guilty for offering up advice that appears to have been written by a misogynistic serial killer.
Here are some of the more alarming and real things men are being told about attracting women by these magazines.
1. “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster for women.”
Okay, if I smell toast the only thing I’m thinking about is whether or not I’m having a stroke. And also, how many people did they do this test on that actually admitted toast makes them horny?
2. “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice.”
This tip goes on to explain that “the testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet – and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a “junk food diet.” Mice. Testicles. Yogurt. 3 of the absolute worst nouns out there. If yogurt is the key to sexiness, that’s one door you need not enter.
This stellar tip was pulled right from an article instructing men how to seduce any woman. Because nothing is sexier than finding out your thoughts aren’t worth finishing. On a side-note, if you’re interrupting me to tell me I have something in my teeth, or that I was just nominated for a Grammy, then by all means, please do.
4. Tell her “I’ve got a suite for the weekend. I’d love to spend it with you.”
Another killer seduction tip taken from an article titled “10 Things to Say to Get Her Naked…Right Now.” Perhaps I’m jaded by too many Dateline episodes, but this is what comes to mind for me: “Are we spending the weekend in a suite because you’re escaping your wife and kids? Also, I’m not leaving that suite alive…am I?”
5.”Disagree With Her”
In the article this hot tip is taken from, it even specifically mentions it is meant to be used on “beautiful women who are used to getting their way.” Because of course there’s a different way to speak to a woman based on her appearance. I have a great idea for anyone who wants to try this tip. Remember tip #3 that says to interrupt her? Well, combine that with disagreeing with her and see how that turns out for you. Bonus points if you’re disagreeing with her opinion on women’s rights. (Obviously if you ACTUALLY disagree with someone, there’s a way to say so properly, but pretending to disagree with someone to turn them on is just plain silly)
Alright, ladies. Because I haven’t suffered enough in reading all of these, I want to know the worst lines you’ve heard. Comment below! XO