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The Delicate Complexity of "How are you?"

September 13, 2017 by Chelsea Kram – XO&So: Vegetarian Comfort Food Leave a Comment

Your emotional intelligence will generally guide you to navigating interactions and determining when and to whom you open up when your life is normal and you've inflicted nothing other than the usual bumps and bruises that come from life. But when you're going through any great emotional or physical trauma, typically benign conversations can become slightly more complicated to navigate.

Since getting sick last year, I sometimes feel like an emotional leper, as though if I’m too honest or raw about whatever is happening that day, whoever hears about it will feel it too. 

My whole life I've wanted to be known as a positive person. I love the idea of people thinking of me, “She’s always in a good mood.” Of course, this isn't humanly possible, so all I can do is try my best to be a ray of light whenever I can, but accepting that this doesn't mean "always."

When you go through anything traumatic, be it the loss of a loved one, emotional or physical abuse, divorce, or illness, your “humanness” bursts to your surface and “ALWAYS being in a good mood” is even less of a possibility than ever before. 

It’s as if the slightest penetration of your protective shell would lead to a barrage of emotions, tears, anger so extreme you, or anyone who witnesses it, could never come back from it. You develop ways to cushion your shell and keep all of that utter humanity from spilling over into the world when you don’t want it to - because not only are you protecting yourself from feeling the extent of your trauma, you’re also protecting the world from it.

On top of dealing with whatever is going on with you, you have the added weight (that, truthfully, you place on yourself) of not wanting to upset other people or burden them with your pain.

So, when people ask questions like:

"How are you?" "How are you feeling?" "How have you been doing?” 

(and they're asking as actual questions rather than a standard "what's up?" greeting)

I Usually Think Something Like:

"Well, today I was too weak to make it up my stairs without help."

"Not great - today I laid in my bed for three hours completely paralyzed by nausea."

"I'm good! I went grocery shopping without having to stop and sit down once today."

"I'm okay; I got so dizzy and nauseous at the mall today I had to sit down in the middle of a store."

But What I Say is:

"Pretty good! Just taking things day by day."

"Good thanks! Keeping busy."

"Not too bad! Good days and bad days."

No matter what you've been through, I'm sure you've had days where you just reply "good" when someone asks how you are when you really want to say, "I'm falling apart."

Naturally, we don't want to dissolve into a puddle of tears when a bank teller asks us how we're doing, and for the sake of all civilization, we save our really candid and in-depth answers for the times and the people we feel comfortable sharing them with.

People usually have really good intentions when they ask how you are. They're trying to show they care about your well-being as a good person would.

I've learned there's a delicate complexity to asking "How are you?"

In part, the asker has to be fully prepared for an answer that makes them uncomfortable, or that requires more of them than they stand ready to give (ever been there when you quickly ask someone how they are and suddenly wonder why you aren't charging them by the hour for your support?). Or maybe their own bank of feelings is running low that day, and they’re unprepared to give up emotional energy they weren't planning on spending. 

On the other hand, the askee weighs responding honestly with where they’re at in that moment, with not wanting to burden the asker with the weight of their answer because we don’t want that pesky emotional leprosy to spread any further than it has to. 

So, this is what I've found works for me. When someone asks how I am, and it turns out at that moment I'm not doing that well, I can just say:

"You know, I'm not doing very well today, but I really appreciate you asking."

This is a way to remain honest and authentic about your feelings without launching into hysterics (there's a time and a place for that, but I don't believe it's EVERY TIME someone asks how you are). It also tells people that it was good of them to ask because a lot of people shy away from tough topics because they feel like they won't say or do the right thing.

But hey, we're all just learning and life is full of unchartered territory for everyone, and keeping positive lines of communication open seems like the best way to get through it all together.

Thank-you, as always, for reading. As I mentioned, I like being thought of as a positive person, so stuff like this can be hard for me to write, but I think the hard stuff is the important stuff!

xo - C

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Learning What "Love Your Body" Really Means

June 29, 2017 by Chelsea Kram – XO&So: Vegetarian Comfort Food Leave a Comment

Hope you like cheese cuz this is one cheeeeeezy article, my loves!

For the most part, I'm a self-confident person. I think part of that comes from how I was raised, and a lot of that is just in my nature (wait, nature vs. nurture?!) But my goodness, I've had, and continue to have, moments where I talk about myself as if I were shit on a shoe. The kind of words you wouldn't dream of saying to anyone else, but somehow they flow so smoothly when you're speaking to yourself. Sometimes I talk about my body as if it were an acquaintance I can't stand. I pick out its perceived flaws - you know, cellulite, a butt flatter than the Canadian prairies, yadda yadda yadda) and complain about them until the cows come home.

No matter what your body looks like, it works freaking hard every day. Staying alive (ah ah ah ah staying alive, staying alive) is hard work and there is SO much that goes on inside of us that we have no idea about. Our bodies, our selves, deserve to be praised and to have gratitude thrust upon them, (along with whatever else you choose to have thrust upon it)...

It can be hard to appreciate what your body does every day until its functioning is put to the test.

Keeping us alive is no easy task - just ask my liver from when I turned 18!

But when any part of your body is compromised, you gain a new perspective on all that's going on behind the scenes with your bod and what it does for you every day - what YOU do for YOU every day, without even knowing it. I used to take a normal, healthy body that could get up every day and function at whatever capacity I needed it to for granted.

And then I got sick.

The best way I can describe my health since my Whipple surgery (you can read about that here) is that I live most days as if I have a bad stomach flu. It's been almost 8 months since my surgery and for some or all of just about every day since my surgery I experience extreme fatigue (think "can't go up the stairs without help" kind of fatigue), being nauseous/sick to my stomach throughout the day and night (doing any kind of activity, including standing, for more than a few minutes usually brings on extreme nausea), occasional bouts of pancreatitis, and just general feeling-crappy-ness.

I know I'm painting a not-so-pretty picture here and the truth is, it isn't pretty most of the time, and it's certainly not the life I imagined for myself, especially at this age.

BUT - I still have "moments." A lot of them. I've been able to go to concerts, on walks with friends and the dogs, to movies, to bars (without the drinking, rather unfortunately), to celebrate birthdays and holidays with my friends and family, and generally still have a fun and happy life.

From the outside, my life looks pretty normal, good, and happy. And now, from the inside, I'm seeing it that way too.

 Having one of those

Having one of those "Moments" recently; celebrating with some of my best friends

Me, as in my body and my mind, have been through hell. I've had organs removed that drastically change the way my body functions. My abdomen and the organs that inhabit it were basically taken apart and put back together, but with some pieces missing.

OF COURSE that's going to be difficult.

But even after all of that, my body continues to WORK.

It still tells me when I'm hungry, when I'm tired (okay - a lot more often now than it used to be); it carries me, literally, through every day and has never "given up," when I'm sure with what it's gone through, a body would want to!

But no, my heart keeps on ticking and my brain and lungs and other remaining organs work for me to the very best of their ability. That is LUCKY! I don't care what anyone says - to be alive at all is lucky. It's a gift.

And who am I to criticize a body that's been through hell and back? Who are any of us to criticize bodies that do their best for us every day and allow us to show up to our lives and have those "moments?"

It's so easy to be harsh about our own bodies and to pick on any little detail you think isn't perfect (the reason we think we're imperfect is because we constantly compare ourselves to models, or whoever society tries to tell us is perfect).

We pick out these little details that make us, US - and agonize over them instead of looking in the mirror and yelling, "DAMN GIRL!!!!! Looking GOOD!" I mean, random guys in cars can drive past us and point out how hot we are, but we can't do it for ourselves?!

 I've always loved this quote and i think it's v. relevant to this post

I've always loved this quote and i think it's v. relevant to this post

I'm working really hard on loving myself and my body exactly how it is now. My scar, flat butt, cellulite, all of it.

I'm learning that loving my body means loving it no matter what it looks like; loving it for just being there at all.

Your love for yourself, for your body, should be UNCONDITIONAL.

 mr. scar that i'm working on learning to love.

mr. scar that i'm working on learning to love.

Our skin is a shell that holds all our juicy and bony bits in. What did your skin ever do to deserve you cursing at it or wanting it to be different?

Your body is inherently awesome; I know that without ever meeting you or seeing your body. Its very existence is a miracle, and this vessel that carries our souls through the world is worthy of celebration - not criticism.

It may have taken a life-altering event for me to fully realize all of this (I'm still in the process of realizing it, actually), but it doesn't have to for you.

Your body, your thighs, your tummy, your arms - all of it - are good how they are. If you want to make changes do it from a place of loving yourself rather than a place of punishing yourself or being angry at your body.

THANK your body each day for doing what it does and let that gratitude sink into you like butter on toast.

You're so, so, so good how you are and you're already worthy of all the love in the world.

I know, I know, this essay is reading like a Hallmark card, but I really want someone who needs to read this to come across it and feel better about themselves and cultivate gratitude for their amazing body. I need the reminder, too. If you're already on that path, that's fucking awesome. Keep going. But a lot of us are still trying to get there.

I hope this summer, for example, when you put on your bathing suit you can celebrate that body in that bathing suit for all that it does for you, rather than curse at it for not looking how you think it should.

Life is so much more fun that way!

I'd like to open this conversation up and hear what loving yourself really means to you, because I know it can be different for everyone. Please comment below if you're so inclined.

XO - C

 

 

 

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10 Things I Have Learned From Working in a Restaurant

March 3, 2017 by Chelsea Kram – XO&So: Vegetarian Comfort Food Leave a Comment

I left the restaurant industry a few years ago after working in restaurants on and off since I was 18. Nothing will make you lose your faith in humanity quicker than some of the vicious and hungry monsters you deal with in food service. However, you will typically leave the industry as a better and more self-aware person...at least when you're out to eat. Here are some of the things I learned:...

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7 Things I Would Tell My Teenage Self

February 28, 2017 by Chelsea Kram – XO&So: Vegetarian Comfort Food Leave a Comment

Until my time-travel machine is complete, there's no changing the past. The best we can do is learn from it. Although it seems impossible not to sometimes, there's no use in regretting the things we can't change but if we get a good lesson out of it, we're golden. If I could have a chat, most likely by texting, with my teenage self, this is what I would say.

  1. Your metabolism will never be this good again. Enjoy those 6 Pizza Pops and 4 bottles of Tang as an after-school snack while you can, because there will come a day when just getting to put peanut butter on your celery seems like a real treat.
  2. Getting drunk is never, and will never be, as glamorous as it looks in movies (unless you’re Beyonce). In movies, it’s drinking expensive champagne in limousines all night while good-looking people surround you, then you pop an Advil in the morning and you’re set. In real life, it’s drinking cheap vodka straight out of the bottle then vomiting behind a Taco Bell while your best friend holds your hair back (if she isn’t vomiting, too). Thanks a lot, movies.
  3. Never again in your life will you have allies greater than your parents. Sure, it seems annoying that your parents won’t let your fifteen year old self go to a college party. But, there will come a day when you realize it’s quite fair, and perhaps even wonderful, that your parents don’t want you to have your own teenager before your thirtieth birthday. Your parents are awesome. Those family dinners you don't want to go to right now will be ALL you want someday.
  4. If your self-confidence is derived from what other people think of you, you are doomed. You have zero control of what other people think of you so spending your time trying to make people like you will leave you feeling exhausted, and ultimately quite crappy about yourself. Spend your time getting to know yourself and realizing all the wonderful things that are within you (and I don’t mean Pizza Pops and Tang). Once you know how awesome you are, it won’t matter if other people don’t. And believe me, you ARE awesome.
  5. Sex, much like alcohol, is not like it is in the movies. In movies, sex is endlessly romantic, with no consequences, and it often somehow involves diamonds. In real life, romance and diamonds are replaced with panic and sweat. And often alcohol. So much alcohol.
  6. Don’t aim for “pretty.” Aim for smart, or funny. Sure, that girl has a nice face but you’re smart enough to know that “legitly” isn’t a real word, and therefore, you win. Of course you can be pretty and smart and funny, etc. You don’t need to choose just one, but there’s going to come a time when being complimented on your mind feels way better than being complimented on your face. Smart and funny are great options, but “You can eat more Nutella in one sitting than anyone else I have ever met” feels pretty good, too.
  7. This one is really important: Do not, ever, under any circumstances, choose your best friends based on who you think will make you look the coolest, or most popular. Choose your best friends on who you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets to (like how sometimes you make a crib-like structure on your bed out of your pillows and pretend you’re an infant), and you don’t even have to tell them not to tell anyone because you both know it goes without saying. Choose the people whose bathrooms you can use comfortably to be your best friends. Choose the people who you can eat to your heart’s content in front of without feeling ashamed, because they’re doing it too, to be your best friends. Choose the people who you laugh so hard with that other people think you’re being murdered, to be your best friends. And if you don’t have these friends in your life right now, I promise you they do exist and you will find them.

What would you tell your teenage self if you had the chance?

Comment below and let me know! XO

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Hi! I'm Chelsea and I'm the Canadian food blogger behind all of the XO&So vegetarian comfort food recipes. Click here to get to know more about me.

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