Sometimes I just want to go see a movie without going into an absolute rage. I want to pay my $85 dollars for a ticket, then my $92 dollars for my drinks and my snacks, and then settle into a felt seat that is likely covered in all sorts of other human’s bodily fluids. Then I want to sit back, finish my snacks before the previews even end, and enjoy the motion picture without interruption. Is that too much to ask?
I try my very best (really! I do!) not to be distracted by obnoxious theatre patrons but so far, no luck. I often wonder if this is payback for the time I unknowingly shushed a person sitting behind me at an R-rated movie who turned out to be a handicapped child. I promise I didn’t realize he was handicapped OR that he was a child.
Here I am sending out a plea to the universe to work with me. Before you commit one of these movie theatre sins, consider purchasing an in-home theatre with the money you would save instead
1) Texting: For the love of all the is holy, refrain from texting during a movie. If you can’t wait 2 hours to check your messages, consider it a sign you need technology rehab STAT. A little blue light is incredibly distracting in a dark room so OBVIOUSLY put your phone away until the movie’s over.
2) Talking: First of all, read the room. If you’re at a slapstick comedy, there are likely times it’s okay to make 1 or 2 whispered comments to your friend about the movie. You know when that’s not okay? Serious movies with important dialogue.
3) Noisy Snack Opening: Wanna bring a big ol’ bag of potato chips to the movie? Go for it, but kindly open them, or any other snacks in noisy packaging BEFORE the movie starts. The biggest problem is people trying to slowly open things so as not to make as much noise, but this actually drags out the noise-making which makes the whole thing that much worse.
4) Seat-Kicking: I’m 6 feet tall and if I can avoid kicking the seat in front of me every 2 minutes, you probably can too. You know those seats in the front of the middle section with no seats in front of them? Kindly choose one of those if you suffer from Restless and Annoying Leg Syndrome.
5) Timely Arrival: Look, I get things happen: you’re stuck in traffic or you can’t find clean underwear so you’re running a bit behind (no pun intended). That’s okay. However, what isn’t okay is showing up to a busy movie at the exact time it starts and then looking around the theatre all PISSED OFF you can’t find a good seat. Unless you show up to a movie at least half an hour before it starts you are simply NOT allowed to complain about the seats you end up with.
I won’t spend a whole point on this but a good place to have a coughing fit is anywhere OTHER than inside the theatre.
Time to cool off! xo